Miscarriage & baby loss; my story
I lost two babies before they were 12 weeks old. The trauma & grief has faded a little over the last two years. It comes and goes in waves; crashing over me when a friend announces a pregnancy, or as I’m sorting through our children’s toys and clothes silently wishing we were hanging onto them for another child. Their due dates pass each year and I remember them; I wonder who they would have been, what dreams and hopes they would have for their futures.
There is an archaic unspoken rule in pregnancy that we shouldn’t talk about our baby before we are at that landmark 12 weeks;
How cruel and crushing the deeply devastating loss we felt was when we told our friends and family that not only had we been pregnant (surprise!), but actually we had lost the baby. Boom; double whammy.
I’m not sure why there is this taboo in our society around talking about miscarriage, especially when one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. That’s actually rather a lot, isn’t it?
I shared my next pregnancy with some close friends because I did not want to go through it all again without some support… & wow did I need it, my second miscarriage was in the midst of lockdown, even more traumatic and I wouldn’t have got through it without them.
It took me a while to build up my courage to talk about my miscarriages openly; to people outside of my close friendship circle. But once I did I was surprised at how many other people I know had gone through a miscarriage or baby loss too. I now speak about it very openly, if I’m asked whether I’d have another baby, I reply that we would have loved to, but that we had two miscarriages and the medication I’m on for my arthritis means it’s not quite as straight forward as “giving it another go”.
Have you ever felt unsure what to say to someone who has had a miscarriage? Or worried that you might say the wrong thing, that you might upset them?
Don’t be worried you’ll say the wrong thing, please ask how they are, how you can help, or if they would like to talk... even if it opens a flood gate of emotions, they will be grateful that you asked & that they have the opportunity to speak about it with you if they wish too.
It was so important to me when friends acknowledged my baby and what I had been through; they may not have experienced it themselves, but just by saying something rather than nothing helped so much.
I have some ideas for what to say in a baby loss card and gifts for memorial keepsake boxes here - you can see some of them below.
Baby Loss Awareness Week
Baby Loss Awareness Week is a good opportunity to give anyone touched by miscarriage and baby loss a safe and supportive space to share their experiences and feel that they are not alone.
I hope that by sharing my story helps to raise awareness and starts some conversations.
Let’s talk openly about miscarriage and baby loss.
You can find further help and support for miscarriages and baby loss here: